Christmas is around the corner. Have you been naughty? Santa knows your search history, and he certainly knows you’ve been looking him up on Pornhub.
Santaphiliacs, you are in good company. Many men and women admit to being sexually attracted to Santa Claus. In fact, many adult websites have categories dedicated to St Nick and his… well, the word that rhymes with St Nick.
It’s not my intention to desecrate the memory of a benevolent figure from our childhood. But Santaphilia is real, all you pearl-clutching prudes out there.
In one of my favourite Family Guy episodes “Christmas is Coming”, Meg gets her first orgasm bouncing on Santa’s lap. Here’s her epic O face.
She embarks on an episode-long quest for Santa to relive the moments on his lap, only to get disappointed by Lois.
Lois: It happens to every girl their first time. You’ll never see him again, by the way.
Meg: I won’t? Why not?
Lois: I don’t know. That’s God’s trick on women. It’s your first time, followed by a lifetime of diminishing returns.
BeNaughty.com says that one in five women have Santa fantasies, according to their poll. Searches for “Santa” skyrocketed (up 447%) around Christmas time in 2016, says Pornhub insights.
Now the obvious question is “Why?” What loins are set afire by the sight of the portly grandfather? To understand Santa-loving sentiments better, I cruised through the deepest underbellies of Reddit and other online fora.
“Yep, I’m one of them. I basically have a thing for older men with grey hair and beards, so Santa’s in that category. AMA I guess,” writes Brimney.
“He’s just so thick,” writes Anonymous.
“Not just women, lots of people want to see Santa unload his sack,” says Hiply_tragic. Err ok.
There are few theories as to why people feel the way they do about Daddy Christmas.
Most depictions show Santa as a tall gentleman who is somewhat portly. Despite that, he is strong enough to haul a big sack across the world and perform acrobatics like sliding down chimneys. He also rides a sleigh driven by reindeer.
Performing physically demanding tasks point towards health and vitality, and also, high testosterone. He also happens to have fine leadership qualities, commanding an army of elves to do his bidding. Alpha male vibes are definitely sexy.
The Facial Hair
Maybe it’s the lush facial hair on Santa that draws men and women towards him.
Facial hair on men has made a big comeback in the last few years, banishing the godawful metrosexual phase to whence it came. There’s a good reason for it. Women dig facial hair, especially if they are looking for long-term relationships.
Facial and body hair is a visually conspicuous trait of male virility. Both are androgen-dependent. Male bodies convert testosterone into dihydrotestosterone through the enzyme 5α reductase 2 for their expression.
The study said that women were more likely to pick men with facial hair for long-term relationships.
Another study on male facial attractiveness found that women loved faces that have more evenly and continuously-distributed facial hair from the lower jaw, connecting to the moustache and covering the cheeks.
The colour red
Santa’s sartorial choices may play a role in our unbridled attraction towards him. The colour red is to blame.
Red is one of the colours of Christmas and that of Santa’s garbs. It is also the universal colour of love and fertility.
The effects of red on human attraction are well documented. Men are supposedly drawn towards red lips and red clothes on women. Apparently, it can work the other way too. A study published in Evolutionary Psychology in 2014, red clothes had a “marginally significant effect on men’s sexual attractiveness.”
…red may not only increase attractiveness evaluations when viewed on the face, but also when viewed on a shirt or dress.
Santa Clause is kindness personified. He takes a long and arduous trip every Christmas to bring gifts to children. But at the same time, he is an authority figure. The combination is a heady mix for attraction.
Also, kindness figures very prominently in the list of desirable qualities in men. In a 2014 study published in Personality and Individual Differences by Huazhong University found a connection between positive personality traits and attraction. “What is good is beautiful,” wrote the researchers.
Selflessness is sexy, according to this research in BMC Evolutionary Biology.
Helping behaviours may be attractive because they signal ‘good genes’ and/or because they are perceived as a signal of likely provision of non-genetic benefits (e.g. parental care).
Tenderness towards children
Women subconsciously seek men who are good to children. They are able to pick up cues that showcase this quality, according to research at the University of Chicago and the University of California, Santa Barbara.
A 2014 study published in the Journal of Human Behavior in the Social Environment, women find men who are considerate towards children more attractive. They were also three times more likely to give their phone numbers to guys who were good to kids.
Many heterosexual women are attracted towards “silver foxes” or older gentlemen for a simple evolutionary reason — they feel secure. Older men also give the impression of experience, financial stability and maturity.
Above all, Santa Claus is a positive role model, a figure of authority and kindness, and a beloved cultural icon. When combined with all the positive traits we just discussed, It’s easy to see why some want him to slide down their Chimneys this Christmas. (Last innuendo for the day, I promise).